My surgery is @ 1pm today (thursday).. The cellulitis in my feet is nearly gone so it’s time to move forward. My mind won’t stop racing though, even after the pain meds I take. So many things scaring me, making me feel pain in my soul, and it feels like I have left too many strings hanging, with no time to at least macramé them together and tie up the loose ends.
I realize no one can put every little thing in their lives, in absolute order. My kids know that I love them, as well as my sisters and brother. I have just spent some time with all of us together and I’m ok in that department. Said what I wanted to say etc…
But I am still very unsettled about Diane and I, what occurred, and how things remain today. I haven't resolved anything, I have not found a peaceful way to truly let go, and if something DOES happen to me, I don't want to leave this world carrying the pain that is still in my heart. I can hear everyone saying “don't be stupid, Chris, you will be alright and make it through this.” But what if I don't? There’s no one I can talk about this with because they don't want to face it, or lose me… But alone in bed when I cant sleep, it is one of the things I think about. How can I resolve it? I don’t know how to… I don't want to leave my family, specially my kids.. and I guess if I don't make it, I will never know … I have things I have wanted to say, to do, to experience… I’m not ready to be done with life yet. I’m scared of this surgery and the possible outcome.
I have wasted alot of years in my life, and in retrospect I could just kick my ass for doing so. At the time, with what I knew, and the lack of confidence and self esteem I lived within, they were the only choices I could see to make. I can see now that the first 30 years of my life decisions were made out of fear of losing David, rather than what would be best for me or what I wanted.. It didn't matter if I faintly desired another direction for myself, with out him, it was too scary to even contemplate let alone take a risk to try. I lived through him, nothing was real unless it came through him.. and nothing meant anything without him…. much like a little girl looks to her father for. I didn't get my needs met originally with my dad, and no matter how desperately I tried to get it through my husband, I couldn't fill in the blanks. If I could do it over again, this time with feeling whole inside, confident, and had enough self esteem to believe I was enough all by myself, I would have made different decisions for my life. That basic foundation is usually built during childhood, by loving, kind parents that reflect how beautiful you are, back to you, and sort of teach you to see yourself like that… in a positive light, rather than the darkness of shame. Even at the age of 32 when I first began to question the belief system I learned from my parents, that wasn't the proper time to learn the basics… Although I caught up on things, learned things I should have known from early childhood, it wasn't enough. It’s never as good as the original would have been. I have always felt like damaged goods, that I was missing something because of my naiveté and gull ability. which then made me just feel stupid. And there are SO many people who take advantage of some one like me, like clergy, teachers, neighbors, authority figures.. etc.. they used their power against me to hurt me and make themselves appear larger than life at my expense.
What am I supposed to do if I didn't have the needed skills to be one of the strong people, able to be self sufficient? I guess I’ll never know and it feels like my time to do so, is running out. I am almost in a panic to finish up old business, yet I'm stuck in sludge and cant make a move to do so. Looking back over my life tonight, right now in this moment, my first thought is, “IS THAT ALL?” It cuts me like a knife, it does.. to realize that is my truth. And if, IF I am given the chance to make it through this surgery, my goal will be to do what I want to do, say what I want to say, live life to the fullest that I can… and never look back. That sounds so good, eh? Now I just need to do it. No more living through other people. I will be selfish and live for myself.
I just feel like crying, actually I have been as I write this post. I want to rinse my soul clean, until all the pain I have been in, washes down the drain, so I can begin fresh again, pure, peaceful, and with love for myself. I have been too long without it.