Poor little toone, as I was driving across the country, singing at the top of my lungs to stay awake, all I could think about was her. All the what ifs, and all that. Butt, I just had to go cuz my tags on me lil car were about to expire, and you don't want that to happen while your traveling!! Ehhhhhh that would be a biggie fine!!!
Anyway, back to my sissy....she was doing good, then she got to where she couldn't breathe good. WTH??? So, the day I left, they tapped her lung that had fluid in it, and removed 2 litres of fluid from it!!! OHHHH EMMMMM GEEEEEE! I was eating when I got that little bit of info.....(puked a little) butt she could breathe a whole lot better and was walking more. So, one step back, two steps forward. Or so we thought. The next day, she got her catheter out thinking that her kidneys were well on their way. So they thought. She was making urine on her own. Which is what kidneys are supposed to do. Butt, and here is a BIG BUTT, they had her on LASIX. This is a major diuretic. It was doing all the work. She had sustained quite a bit of damage to her kidneys from her surgery due to her blood pressure being so low and her being sooooo weak. And of course, they wouldn't of known all this had they not taken her line out, and her catheter. Her lab numbers started to climb. Well all them were all out of whack. Her hemoglobin was way low again. So they gave her two more units of blood on Monday. She went into atrial fibrillation all night, so they corrected that with meds. That is and irregular and high heart rate. She was also very anxious for some reason. I don't know why, can you think of any reason? lol So she got meds for that too. I have been trying to post her status at least every other day on Facebook. So if you follow me or her there, you can keep up with her. My page is on the bottom of my blog, if you want to follow along...I will friend you. Just let me know you are a friend of hers. She doesn't have access to a computer yet, but her son Nicholas will set her up with a notebook when she gets to rehab. So she will be connected again. I just spoke with her and it looks like she will be released tomorrow to rehab!!! YEAH!!! She does not need dialysis now. So glad of all that!
On a different note, I just know that you are dying to see these babies of mine, right? haha Well, here you go:
My lil Delilah, who will be 1 in a week!
There we go, that should hold you for a good 2-3 days.....until I break out the new camera and go hog wild on the critters!! LOL Oh wait, did you say critters??? How could I forget them? Poor little neglected poopers.....Thats Morgan, the oldest, she is 12.
This one is Freida, she is 9ish, and has the least amount of teeth. So her lil tongue hangs out. So darn cute. We call her Fre Fre for short.
And the tiniest and youngest is our Cocoa Puff. Both her and Morgan are chocolate. Freida is red. Cocoa is around 7ish. Since we adapted them, we don't know their exact age. We do know Morgan's since we have her papers. Yup, I'm a weiner loving mama. I even got a tatt on my wrist of one!! Crazy girlie that I am.
My surgery is @ 1pm today (thursday).. The cellulitis in my feet is nearly gone so it’s time to move forward. My mind won’t stop racing though, even after the pain meds I take. So many things scaring me, making me feel pain in my soul, and it feels like I have left too many strings hanging, with no time to at least macramé them together and tie up the loose ends.
I realize no one can put every little thing in their lives, in absolute order. My kids know that I love them, as well as my sisters and brother. I have just spent some time with all of us together and I’m ok in that department. Said what I wanted to say etc…
But I am still very unsettled about Diane and I, what occurred, and how things remain today. I haven't resolved anything, I have not found a peaceful way to truly let go, and if something DOES happen to me, I don't want to leave this world carrying the pain that is still in my heart. I can hear everyone saying “don't be stupid, Chris, you will be alright and make it through this.” But what if I don't? There’s no one I can talk about this with because they don't want to face it, or lose me… But alone in bed when I cant sleep, it is one of the things I think about. How can I resolve it? I don’t know how to… I don't want to leave my family, specially my kids.. and I guess if I don't make it, I will never know … I have things I have wanted to say, to do, to experience… I’m not ready to be done with life yet. I’m scared of this surgery and the possible outcome.
I have wasted alot of years in my life, and in retrospect I could just kick my ass for doing so. At the time, with what I knew, and the lack of confidence and self esteem I lived within, they were the only choices I could see to make. I can see now that the first 30 years of my life decisions were made out of fear of losing David, rather than what would be best for me or what I wanted.. It didn't matter if I faintly desired another direction for myself, with out him, it was too scary to even contemplate let alone take a risk to try. I lived through him, nothing was real unless it came through him.. and nothing meant anything without him…. much like a little girl looks to her father for. I didn't get my needs met originally with my dad, and no matter how desperately I tried to get it through my husband, I couldn't fill in the blanks. If I could do it over again, this time with feeling whole inside, confident, and had enough self esteem to believe I was enough all by myself, I would have made different decisions for my life. That basic foundation is usually built during childhood, by loving, kind parents that reflect how beautiful you are, back to you, and sort of teach you to see yourself like that… in a positive light, rather than the darkness of shame. Even at the age of 32 when I first began to question the belief system I learned from my parents, that wasn't the proper time to learn the basics… Although I caught up on things, learned things I should have known from early childhood, it wasn't enough. It’s never as good as the original would have been. I have always felt like damaged goods, that I was missing something because of my naiveté and gull ability. which then made me just feel stupid. And there are SO many people who take advantage of some one like me, like clergy, teachers, neighbors, authority figures.. etc.. they used their power against me to hurt me and make themselves appear larger than life at my expense.
What am I supposed to do if I didn't have the needed skills to be one of the strong people, able to be self sufficient? I guess I’ll never know and it feels like my time to do so, is running out. I am almost in a panic to finish up old business, yet I'm stuck in sludge and cant make a move to do so. Looking back over my life tonight, right now in this moment, my first thought is, “IS THAT ALL?” It cuts me like a knife, it does.. to realize that is my truth. And if, IF I am given the chance to make it through this surgery, my goal will be to do what I want to do, say what I want to say, live life to the fullest that I can… and never look back. That sounds so good, eh? Now I just need to do it. No more living through other people. I will be selfish and live for myself.
I just feel like crying, actually I have been as I write this post. I want to rinse my soul clean, until all the pain I have been in, washes down the drain, so I can begin fresh again, pure, peaceful, and with love for myself. I have been too long without it.
I spent a few hours yesterday writing a very long post about what is going on with me.. then I posted it, without checking to see if it posted. When I looked at it this morning, I noticed only the first few sentences had copied and so then I thought WTF, all those thoughts gone. I know I saved it, but can’t find it! Maybe it will show up for dinner at some point and after I beat the crap out of it, I will post it all again.
Actually I am in the hospital due to chest pain, that started last Friday. After an onslaught of tests, SURVEY SAYS my heart needs an overhaul and a pair of new earrings. I need to look perdy cuz I will be having a triple bypass and aortic valve replacement, with fries and cottage cheese on the side. No biggie. I could probably do it meself since I am a nurse but I'm gonna pamper myself and pay some one to do it for me, just this one time..
Am I scared? Yes. Shitless.
Am I gonna cry like a girl? You bet your arse.
Have I run into any cute doctors? Yes but I'm a lady and always apologized.
My whole family came together to be with me as the surgery was supposed to be last Thursday, however I developed cellulites in both feet and ankles 2 days prior and the next day I woke up with bursitis on my left kneecap and cannot walk without assistance. So the date was moved to Monday. That had to be cancelled as well because I still have the infections... So now we are aiming for Wedsday.
Today, however, I awoke from my nap only to find that I lost 100 lbs in my sleep, and have no idea where that wandering little tub’O’lard went. Consequently, no surgery until the infections are gone, which is hopefully soon as I am getting the top guns of antibiotics and they should be kicking in by now. I hate waiting on things, specially for a life saving surgery... as Janis Joplin once said "come on and take it, take another little piece of my heart out, baaabbbyyyy.."
The pain meds I am on are really messing with me head. I will start to say one thing, doze off, then pick up as if I were still in the same conversation when I am not, it makes for awkward yet funny delicious moments.
I will keep you posted, peeps...
My cleavage is already grieving, she may need a 12 step program... or on going therapy just to deal… Who knows, possibly EST.